‘Thirteen!’

Rome

I loved Jason and the Argonauts. I loved Clash of the Titans. I enjoyed Gladiator, though could have done with the last third being removed from the film. I even loved those half-baked badly dubbed Italian swords and sandal epics featuring a variety of mythic heroes involved in mundane plots that made Spaghetti Westerns look sophisticated and fantastical.

So when Rome arrived on TV I was blown away. There were a couple of problems – it was Roman not Greek – so no giant Hydra or Cerebus and lots of fascists. However it did have the advantage of being made by HBO, so if nothing else it was going to feature nudity, swearing and violence. Now I’m not saying that those three things are required by a great TV show – but let’s be honest, Cash in the Attic would definitely be improved by the occasional blow job.

On the swearing front I certainly wasn’t disappointed, though I’ve been spoiled for life by the beautifully foul tongues that make up the Deadwood cast, and the sex was great. A selection of nubile Roman slaves and innocents, milf temptresses and swarthy generals, it had it all. Though sadly the BBC did cut the implied doggy style scene between Octavia and Pompey down – sure leave in the discussion about the strength of Roman borders but cut the nudity – that was a successful day in the editing department… As an aside I met Kenneth Cranham (Pompey) outside of the Sainsbury’s in Islington the day after seeing that episode – which made for a surreal moment.

The one thing missing though was good old fashioned violence. The early battle scenes were over-filmed, using a mish-mash of visual effects and fast cutting. The sense of the battle and the lives of the soldiers were presented well but the battle itself – meh. It seemed like the series was taking the Godfather approach to violence, exploring a stylised reality with moments of brief, hidden violence behind closed political doors. Now I can’t claim this makes me sound sophisticated but I always wanted to see Marlon Brando with a Tommy gun in hand (‘Say hello to my offer you can’t refuse’) as well as the beautifully staged climax.

So I was loving the series but felt like I was never going to get the pay off I wanted. Pullo, the violent bastard at the centre of the story never really exploded the way you wanted him to, the strength of the soldiers was never going to really be expressed. It was going to be series three of Deadwood all over again. I’d never been more wrong…

Suddenly we hit the final episodes of the series and Pullo, through the machinations of Caesar and his confidants has found himself imprisoned and crushed by guilt. Trapped in a stinking cell he calls on the gods and awaits his time in the gladiatorial ring. I was expecting this to be a tragic end or another over-stylised fight – in the end it’s the best fucking blood bath you will ever see in your life.
As his sometimes friend and former commander, Lucius, looks on Pullo is goaded into fighting and systematically makes his way through a small army of gladiators. The blood flies, legs are torn apart, spikes smash through armour. It is, without a doubt, the single best sword fight ever seen. Just watching this would actually kill Errol Flynn.

So if you’ve ever read about gladiators or enjoyed a good sword fight in a movie then this is the scene for you. It’s brutal, it’s simple and it delivered what the series had been promising all along. Welcome to Rome, welcome to barbarism.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1V5CWj0NjYc